mad scientist girl

this week’s labs... fucking LOVE Mr. Bean oh goodness.. what can I say. It was a bad week, and continues to be a bad week cuz I have a midterm tomorrow that I don't feel at ALL prepared for!  Tuesdays lab ... organic... last week’s lab consisted of just stirring for over an hour .. and then a liquid-liquid separation... everything seemed to go just fine. THIS week.... not so much. The first part we had to gravity filter the drying agent and then rotary-evaporate the solvent out ...which is basically is just putting your flask onto a machine that spins it in a water bath and the solvent boils off.... wanna buy one? but of course.. the one I used wasn’t on and so the bath had to warm up.. taking (what felt like) forever. Then when it finally started to boil, of course I walked away and by the time I returned it was a goey boiling mess! *slaps forehead* BUT.. it’s ok, can be salvaged... let it cool and prepare the reagents for crystallization... ethanol and petro...

I'm just so tired of fighting... it feels like every step in my life has been uphill. I just found out today that they aren't promoting me to 3rd year status because two of the classes I did in my term 1, were below 60% and I need to have completed 60% of my classes with a 60% standing. If they need a 60% standing, then why don't they make the passing grade 60%? That makes sense, don't you think? My term 1 was just a hellstorm.... most of you know cuz you were right here with me.. I was dealing with my mums suicide (still) ... and all the conditions I had before (anxiety, depression) were amplified because of my her passing as well as all the new stress I was under from school and life... It caused me to be physically ill before every test I took that term... and partly due to that is why I failed Ochem (which is why I'm taking it again this summer).. and why my other two classes that term are below 60% ... according to the doctor what I have is considered a dis...

so I’m looking through my course list and categorizing all the classes I need to take for my degree.... I’ve colour coded it... put it into a table... listed the number of credits... for every term for the next two years (or more) what I completely forgot is that for a degree you need 48 of your total credits to be 300/400 level classes... which I have.. but only if I take extra classes every term OR if I take an extra year of school... now I’m conflicted.. I really just want to be done.. I’ve been in school for what seems like forever... in reality it’s only been 3 years at community college, 1 quarter at UW, and 1 year at UBC... but there was a lot of “in between” time... where I wasn’t in school (though looking back I should have been)... but I was living life and whatnot. I should have been done ages ago but because of these decisions I’ve made the past 5 years.. I’m not. It hurts my soul to think that almost every decision I’ve made over the past 5 years has been wrong. Hell...

I told my work yesterday that I'd be quitting my job to go back to school.  This should be easy by now as this is the 3rd time I've had to quit a job to pursue my dreams, but somehow it's not.  I feel guilty, sad, and all those other emotions that you typically feel when you go through a big change in life.  Part of me is really excited at the prospect of being a student again.  There are a lot of benefits to student life: being able to wear jeans, yoga pants or whatever the hell else I want to work every day.. even my pj's if I wanted to...... although only weird people do that so I'll stick with jeans and yoga pants having a lot more free time in the day.. homework does consume about 10-15 hours a day but somehow it's not the same as doing a straight 8 hour day and at least I CAN do my homework in my pj's the BRAIN .. no, not in a zombie type of way... in the way that I miss the intellectual stimulation of being in a classroom setting every day So ...