mad scientist girl

I'm just so tired of fighting... it feels like every step in my life has been uphill. I just found out today that they aren't promoting me to 3rd year status because two of the classes I did in my term 1, were below 60% and I need to have completed 60% of my classes with a 60% standing. If they need a 60% standing, then why don't they make the passing grade 60%? That makes sense, don't you think? My term 1 was just a hellstorm.... most of you know cuz you were right here with me.. I was dealing with my mums suicide (still) ... and all the conditions I had before (anxiety, depression) were amplified because of my her passing as well as all the new stress I was under from school and life... It caused me to be physically ill before every test I took that term... and partly due to that is why I failed Ochem (which is why I'm taking it again this summer).. and why my other two classes that term are below 60% ... according to the doctor what I have is considered a dis...

so I’m looking through my course list and categorizing all the classes I need to take for my degree.... I’ve colour coded it... put it into a table... listed the number of credits... for every term for the next two years (or more) what I completely forgot is that for a degree you need 48 of your total credits to be 300/400 level classes... which I have.. but only if I take extra classes every term OR if I take an extra year of school... now I’m conflicted.. I really just want to be done.. I’ve been in school for what seems like forever... in reality it’s only been 3 years at community college, 1 quarter at UW, and 1 year at UBC... but there was a lot of “in between” time... where I wasn’t in school (though looking back I should have been)... but I was living life and whatnot. I should have been done ages ago but because of these decisions I’ve made the past 5 years.. I’m not. It hurts my soul to think that almost every decision I’ve made over the past 5 years has been wrong. Hell...

After reading SDL's blog post regarding perfection .. I had the urge to evaluate my life. Am I a victim of perfection? Of course I am. What are the things that I only acknowledge to myself............. I feel like a failure because I'm 30 years old and I haven't even completed my BSc.... there are multiple reasons/excuses for this behavior ... but regardless, I still feel like a failure. I wonder if I'll ever be a mom... I really want to be a mom but I keep putting off because I don't have any stability in my life and I'm in the middle of finishing school still... I know there is no good time but I'm sure going to school and using gov't money while not making any real $$ of my own probably isn't the best time... still doesn't stop my uterus from screaming for a baby every time I see a picture of a baby/a baby IRL/a video of a baby/baby clothes/etc. I don't feel like I'm smart enough to finish my desired college path... I've tak...