mad scientist girl

everyone is posting about their registration dates for fall semester.... they are all happy and excited. I haven't gotten my date yet. I haven't even been contacted regarding my promotion to 3rd year. Apparently they are still deciding. Even though I had a 75% average this past term.. and a 77% average the term before that. It makes me want to scream! I had ONE bad term where I failed a course and I feel like it's haunting me and following me around. Just like my mothers passing... I feel like demons are just constantly trailing behind me. and I just went through my credits and it seems like I'm missing like 5 300+ level credits... wtf dude. It's effing impossible to get 300+ level electives because most have pre-reqs that are 100 or 200 level. So I might be in school for one more term. fml

so I'm an asshole. why you ask? because I haven't fucking blogged in ... well.. i can't even fucking remember how long. It's really not my fault though. I'm working 6 days a week... and M-F I usually work 10+ hour days. When Sunday rolls around I don't even wanna turn on my fucking computer... let alone sit for 10 minutes and write some shit down. Hopefully though.. in a week or so I'll be done work and I'll be off til January and then back in school where I'll have about the same amount of free time. BUT... I can procrastinate homework by blogging... plus as @OhNoaG and @JenReinmuth knows... Undergrads make for fucking blog fodder gold. (fuck those wanks) Anyhow.. .that's really all that's been up with me. It's my birthday in a week (literally) and I can't believe how much has happened in a year. Though it feels like I'm not really in a better place than I was last year... that could be because I stopped taking my meds...

After reading SDL's blog post regarding perfection .. I had the urge to evaluate my life. Am I a victim of perfection? Of course I am. What are the things that I only acknowledge to myself............. I feel like a failure because I'm 30 years old and I haven't even completed my BSc.... there are multiple reasons/excuses for this behavior ... but regardless, I still feel like a failure. I wonder if I'll ever be a mom... I really want to be a mom but I keep putting off because I don't have any stability in my life and I'm in the middle of finishing school still... I know there is no good time but I'm sure going to school and using gov't money while not making any real $$ of my own probably isn't the best time... still doesn't stop my uterus from screaming for a baby every time I see a picture of a baby/a baby IRL/a video of a baby/baby clothes/etc. I don't feel like I'm smart enough to finish my desired college path... I've tak...