Monday, September 26

random thoughts and seriousness (this blog is not for everyone)

After reading SDL's blog post regarding perfection .. I had the urge to evaluate my life. Am I a victim of perfection? Of course I am. What are the things that I only acknowledge to myself.............

I feel like a failure because I'm 30 years old and I haven't even completed my BSc.... there are multiple reasons/excuses for this behavior ... but regardless, I still feel like a failure.

I wonder if I'll ever be a mom... I really want to be a mom but I keep putting off because I don't have any stability in my life and I'm in the middle of finishing school still... I know there is no good time but I'm sure going to school and using gov't money while not making any real $$ of my own probably isn't the best time... still doesn't stop my uterus from screaming for a baby every time I see a picture of a baby/a baby IRL/a video of a baby/baby clothes/etc.

I don't feel like I'm smart enough to finish my desired college path... I've taken prereq's for engineering and whatnot ... so i've taken lots of math and science classes.. some of which I've done really well in .. others I've passed but not excelled at... I feel like every time I struggle.. it means that I'm not getting it and I'm stupid... the flip side of that is that whenever I DO get it .. I feel like smartest person in the world!

I also have this horrible problem where I look at a problem and if the answer seems too easy.... I immediately disregard it as being wrong... because I have no self confidence in my brain whatsoever.

I think it's because my brain has constantly let me down over the years... whenever I was on the precipice of a decision.. I inevitably made the wrong decision. I've lived the last 6 years of my life making wrong decisions... so I have no trust/faith in myself and my decisions whatsoever.


I hurt so much about my mum lately that I can barely survive the day....

I know this blog probably is a massive downer.. and there really isn't much I can do about that ..you're just going to have to deal with it.



3 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for being brave enough to be real with us. It takes a lot to do that and I want you to know it is appreciated.
    I read the sdl blog before reading yours and can honestly say that I have made a point to be real to anyone and everyone these days because I am done wasting my life "putting on appearances" for people. It doesn't benefit anyone and with everything going on in my life I don't have the time or energy to do it anymore.
    I think there should also be a caveat about the difference between being real and complaining - because I know people who will tell me everything wrong in their life as if no one could ever have it as bad as they do. I don't share my troubles with just anyone because it doesn't change things to complain, but it does help to be real and to connect with someone who understands. I don't know if I'm making myself clear, but I do see the point in what sdl is trying to say.
    It's not easy to show the real person, but it makes such a difference.
    Thanks again - I will definitely spread the word. *hugs*

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  2. thanks Diann... it feels good to let it out in a place where I feel I'm not going to be judged on my truths.
    thanks also for the hugs... :) I know that in you I've found a true friend who understands and accepts me for who I am.. faults and all... and I appreciate that.

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  3. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Hang in there.

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