Sunday, June 3

decisions, decisions


so I’m looking through my course list and categorizing all the classes I need to take for my degree.... I’ve colour coded it... put it into a table... listed the number of credits... for every term for the next two years (or more)

what I completely forgot is that for a degree you need 48 of your total credits to be 300/400 level classes... which I have.. but only if I take extra classes every term OR if I take an extra year of school... now I’m conflicted.. I really just want to be done.. I’ve been in school for what seems like forever... in reality it’s only been 3 years at community college, 1 quarter at UW, and 1 year at UBC... but there was a lot of “in between” time... where I wasn’t in school (though looking back I should have been)... but I was living life and whatnot. I should have been done ages ago but because of these decisions I’ve made the past 5 years.. I’m not. It hurts my soul to think that almost every decision I’ve made over the past 5 years has been wrong. Hell.. even decisions since 2003... all wrong.

Though not wrong exactly.. because it’s BECAUSE of those decisions that I am where I am...  and I’m the person that I am... that I have the knowledge and experience that I have... so it’s not like I’m a complete failure.. I have learned lessons the past 10 years..

but still.. I feel like a failure.


and now.. another decision again.. and I’m terrified I’m going to make the wrong one. If I take more than 3 classes per term, I’m worried that I’m going to overload myself and my grades and sanity are going to suffer... but if I don’t I have an extra year of school and that’s an extra year where I’m not doing the other things in life that I want to do... like being a mommy...

god damn biological clock has been bonging in my ears the past few years like a fucking grandfather clock... you know the one.. where it bongs every 15 minutes and then again at every start of the hour?
my grandfather actually had like 3 of these at one point... try to sleep in that house.

So I worry that I’m going to be waiting too long... If I do another year of school I’ll be like 35 by the time I’m done.. and I know that’s not OLD ... but it’s getting up there.. and I worry about the possible complications that might arise from waiting that long.

but do I need to worry about the “what could be” or “what might be” ... that’s the problem with severe anxiety disorder... I can’t help myself.

PLUS.. there’s that.. my whole mental health issues.. I don’t exactly feel ready to have a baby mentally until I can get my mental health issues in order.... you can’t exactly not get out of bed for three days in a row when you have a baby to take care of .. but how do you reconcile the two? when getting out of bed sometimes is the hardest decision of my day?

ack... maybe I’m just overthinking... I’m queen of the over thinkers.

I need some advice... any readers out there have some pearls of wisdom they want to share with me? I’d really appreciate it.

Until next time... 

7 comments:

  1. You never, ever have to do things by anyone else's timeline. If you feel that taking an extra year to finish your degree would ease your life in a way that suits you best, then do it! Or if you feel that "others" would tell you to take it easy, but you're fucking ready to peace out of the classroom forever, then take the extra work and be done with it! Giving up what life is "supposed" to be like is so ridiculously hard, but one day soon the anxiety is going to melt away and you're just going to KNOW which direction you're supposed to keep walking. And, in the mean time, you can drive down to Seattle and meet me for some coffee whenever you feel like it :-)

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    1. thanks so much... It's hard to let go about what life is "supposed" to be like. I struggle with it every day.

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  2. Jaime ...
    This is really touching, and I see you going through this everyday.
    But you are an amazing person. When I got to UBC I thought it was going to take me forever to make friends in the Chem Department because all the people I have met at Douglas went to their programs at UBC.
    Even though I see them once in a blue moon, still I wanted to have that comfort of seeing someone I know almost everyday and have great friendship and laugh. And that is your true gift of being someone amazing and friendly.

    As for babies, technology has become so advanced and there are many things you can do to be a mother when you are ready and I know would make a great mom so I wouldn't worry about that part, you mommy me all the time in school =).

    Since Dr. Bates said in the email its okay to take BIOC 300 instead of BIOL 201, that's 6 credits of 300/400 year level courses taken care of. I justed checked the prerequisite for you. It says this "Pre-reqs: Either (a) one of CHEM 213, CHEM 204 or (b) all of CHEM 233, CHEM 205 or (c) all of CHEM 233, PHAR 220." So really you have organic, you are getting it out of the way this summer.

    See if some of the courses you need are offered in the summer so you can do them then instead of during the school year if its works out best and you will be done in time. I promise!

    I am here for you!

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    1. thanks babe... I'm SO effing grateful I met you and Diana.. you guys are the best girls.. and I love our chemistry group!

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  3. Don't worry. Sometimes we just can't perfectly schedule everything in our lives. Take it one day at a time. Choose your priorities. And be confident in your decisions. Everything will work out. It always does. :)

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  4. I'm an overthinker, too. And I'm currently obsessing about timing and babies, too.

    Try not to worry (I know you're worrying...STOP!), you'll figure it out. =)

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  5. As an overthinker and a mom who was in uni let me say this...... it is time to have babies when you decide or when you get prego unexpectedly LOL

    as you know I was not done school, had baby, went back a week later for exams, took summer off, returned to school, as a single momma and finished two years later... i say that not to "brag" but to say - it CAN be done... it is not easy - but it is possible.

    there is never a "right time" to have a baby - anyone who says otherwise is a liar and i will tell them so to their damn lying faces.

    you is smart and you is good ;)

    I wanna have another kiddo in the next year or two - ok get knocked up next year maybe... depends on work... LOL but will wait for you if you want ha ha :P

    as for the mental health part - it all figures itself out - as I learned also ;) and it isn't as if you would be the only parents... yo' man will help....

    life happens, it tends to work out in the end, i know it doesn't seem that way - but trust in the grand scheme babe! xox

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