Tuesday, April 17

how to fake being productive

If you’re anything like me.. then you’re a lazy bastard. In being a lazy bastard, you don’t like to do stuff.... but when you don’t do stuff.... the stuff.. starts to attack you.

the dishes decide to pile up in the sink
the poop builds up in the litter boxes
the crumbs scatter themselves all over the floor

if you have no sense of smell, sight or feeling... then the above probably isn’t a big deal.. 

however, if you don’t like living like a bum, you might want to do something about your stuff..

but you’re a lazy bastard...

therein lies the conundrum.

so what do you do?

do actual work?

FUCK NO! you’re a lazy bastard, remember?

so you fake it!  trophy wives have been doing it for years.. and they have the IQ of gnats.. so it can’t be that hard, right?

so your dishes are in the sink piling up with food crusted on them and your dishwasher is on the fritz.... what can you do?

make “washing dishes” a chore for your kids (if you have them) .. claim that it builds character and that by learning to do it by hand they will be better prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse! ...when there is no power, the smell of food crusted plates will bring the zombies cuz they will know that there are people close. Not only do your dishes get clean but your kids get a valuable skill they can use in the future. It’s win / win. (oh, and did I mention you get to still be a lazy bastard?)

your pets are eating and of course then pooping and peeing all in their litters.. it smells and you don’t want to go near the smell or touch any of it ... cuz well.. ew. How do you solve this?

fake a pregnancy! It’s been a long known thing that pregnant women aren’t allowed to change litters cuz of some toxin in the poop that can be dangerous to the fetus. If you ask me .. I think this was all invented by some lazy woman years ago cuz she didn’t want to clean the litter while having swollen feet and nausea. (who could blame her?) Or the scientist in me knows it is in fact a reality that pet feces can be harmful to unborn fetuses.... Either way, do this and your litter will get cleaned and your hubby will be so happy to find out that you’re not really pregnant, he won’t even care that he cleaned the litter all throughout your “first trimester” ... (oh, and yes... you get to be a lazy bastard)

crumbs from your daily activity of eating chips, peanut butter sandwiches and chicken nuggets are covering your floor... and you’re sick of cleaning off your feet every time you walk around... what to do?

“borrow” a friends dog for the day.... claim you miss having a dog in the house, and you want to play with it and test out having a dog again before you go out and make a commitment to dog of your own.. then all you have to do is drop something the dog actually likes on the floor, and that mutt will go around licking up every little crumb and stale chunk of bread on the floor til your they are sparkling clean (never mind that the sparkling part comes from dog slobber)... your floors get clean and you get to be.. yes that’s right.. A LAZY BASTARD!

It’s ingenious, if you ask me.

So ..next time you have a chore you have to do but you want to be a lazy bastard.... just fake it!


  1. I have neither a husband nor children, but somehow, some way, I am going to make this happen tomorrow.

  2. hahaha jaime! i swear you read my mind ... I am so making a ton of babies to do all my chores! =P, you know me ... i'm a lazy bastard!